Latisse Raises The Question Where Else Would You Like Lashes

The other night I saw a commercial for Latisse — “the only FDA approved prescription treatment for inadequate or not enough eyelashes.” I guess this means that Latisse just got the numbers back and decided there are enough people with inadequate lashes in southern New Jersey. I wouldn’t say this is in the top five of southern New Jersey’s problems, but hey.

Latisse has opened a door with this product. If we can grow lashes above our eyes, where else can we grow lashes? It is FDA approved.

The Upper Lip

Going by my non-existent knowledge of Biology, the upper lip is obviously the best candidate for lash growth. The benefits of having a mustache made entirely out of lashes are obvious. For example, flirting would be a lot easier. I can’t count the number of times I’ve lost a date because I was unable to creepily wink at an attractive girl from across the room. With a lashtache, I could just open and close my mouth while the girl squealed with glee.

And what’s the biggest complaint about mustaches? That’s right — their limited styling options. A lashtache would take well to the application of mascara, extending your lashtache to nearly twice the length for parties or State of the Union addresses.

The Pubic Region

Wait! Wait. Click on my ads on the way out.

It will probably be hard to grow lashes on a part of the body other than the face …given my non-existent knowledge of biology. But I think the chance to replace pubic hair with lashes is too beneficial not to try

For centuries, people thought that crying or tearing from the eye was caused by emotions or used by the eye to flush out debris ..like eyelashes. New studies have shown that lashes are superb insulators and that this weeping or tearing is caused by the eye becoming too hot.

Pubic hair is used to keep the genitals warm during winter months or during long, long, long, frustratingly long, stages of inactivity. If pubic hair was replaced with lashes, the amount of conserved heat-energy in the genital region would skyrocket. This could cause more genital growth in both men and women. For severe cases that require maximum genital growth, I recommend wearing a diaper full of Latisse for eight weeks. The resulting lash growth should make your genital-area able to conserve enough energy to heat a medium-sized room. I recently gave away my space-heater.

A side benefit of replacing pubic hair with lashes is that the “penial-stalk” in men becomes covered in lashes. These lashes act like ribbing for her pleasure. I’ve found that they also work great for scratching palm itches.

The Head

The proximity to the eyes should make this one a no-brainer. The head is one of the most dissatisfying regions of the body. Traditional head-hair needs constant washing, blowing, styling, and cutting. When was the last time you had to cut your eye-lashes? Not counting that time you wanted your boyfriend to think you were unstable so he wouldn’t break up with you.

Another benefit of head-lashes is that they should finally help mankind replicate the Dragon Ball Z hairstyle. Teenagers and aimless twenty-somethings have pined over this type of hair for years. Lashes have the unique ability to taper into perfect symmetrical points, a required attribute if one wishes to resemble a cartoon character. With persistence and some dye, the Super Saiyan 3 hairstyle should be easy to accomplish. But I have a feeling that only a few will achieve the much controversial Super Saiyan 4.

"What's that soaring away in the distance? Oh, it's my chance to ever be with a woman."

Other Non-Hair Areas

This will be difficult, but not impossible. If chemicals are concentrated enough, anything can happen. I never thought I could get into Harvard, but thanks to concentrated amounts of alcohol during my admission interview, I was right.

I’ve heard reports of some people successfully growing tongue-lashes. I bet kissing someone with tongue-lashes is like nothing else you’ll ever experience. Actually, it’s probably similar to performing oral sex on someone with pubic-lashes.

Let’s see, there are rumors of lip-lashes, not to be confused with the lashtache. Lip-lashes are reputed to extract nutrients from the air like the tentacles of a sea anemone. I wouldn’t attempt to grow lip-lashes if living near landfills or tanneries.

With enough imagination, the options are endless. But take caution. Never, under no circumstance, unless bet a large sum of money, should anyone ingest Latisse. Painful kidney-lashes are no joke.